It doesn't seem like a year since this picture was taken but it has been. This was taken last year when we were moving John back to school for his sophmore year. It is that time again, but now it is for the junior year. Time is flying by. I can't believe that my boys are half way done with college already. I can't believe that Tuesday Layla will be a year old and that Aiden will be 6 in September! I wish things would slow down. Funny how when you are younger you want time to speed up and when your older you want it to slow down.

This has not been a good summer for me. Things still are not good for me. I wish so much that I could make them all better again but I just can't seem to. I am at a loss as to how to even go about it at this point. I do know that I am so very unhappy.

My husband was put on a job out of state in March. He is close enough that he is able to come home almost every weekend but that is the only time I see him. 5 months of only being together on the weekends is hard. Every thing gets crammed in on the weekend. All his friends and family want that time as well since they do not get to see him during the week any more either. I know there are people who have it worse, thier loved ones are so far away they don't get to see them at all, and I feel for them. I am just saying how I feel about my situation. It's taking a toll.

Both of my inlaws are in poor health. Both have cancer and are fighting it. My sister in law has had a bilateral mastetecomy with tissue expanders and is still recovering. Very slow and painful process and so hard on her and us. My nephew is in a dark place, thinking about suicide and is now admitted to the hospital where he is thankfully getting treatment and the help he needs. My daugther had surgery for a hernia and it was a little worse than we thought so she ended up being opened up and has to be off work for at least six weeks. Layla had a babysitter that was not family for the first time in her life! (she loved it!)

I have not been in the lake all summer! And I have not been to the gym. I need to make some changes in my brain and I have no idea how.

There have been some good things too. I got a promotion at work. My son finally got a job and he is making money. Layla and Aiden are happy and healthy and beautiful! I get to spend plenty of time with Layla, she comes to stay with me at least a few nights a month. I love that time. We have been at the camper thanks to my brother in law towing it for me. But the bad seems to be winning over in my brain. I have other things that are weighing me down also, things that make me more unhappy with myself than I care to even think about. I can't even write about them and I have tried to, just to get it out but I get sick with myself and angry with myself.

So today I am going to take the day to myself and sit and think and write. Whatever it takes to get myself back on track and happy with Linda again. I need to find Linda again is what I need to do. I know she is in there somewhere. I need a game plan. And I am going to make one today. One that has lots of "alternative" plans so if I mess (if? who am I kidding? When I mess up) up I can go to another plan.

wish me luck.............